&& would you say you loved someone...-dean-

[bella havstad]

&& would you say you loved someone if you didn't really mean it?

She paced back and forth on the sidewalk outside the garage as her pale face looked afraid, nervous, uptight. Bell's hair was left in a mess of blonde curls that day. She wore a navy blue sweatshirt, a white tank top, a pair of jeans, and a pair of black Converse tennis shoes. She hadn't exactly dressed up. Then again, Bella hardly had the time to care those days.

She didn't even know why she was there. From what she'd heard, Dean Somers never wanted to see her again. Bell just wanted to know why though. She remembered that night, the fight, the end of what they'd both called love. She remembered the way it felt to have her heart torn all over again. Bella had taken to hating people those days becaus eit seemed like anyone she'd ever loved in life always left. Kinzie had died, her dad was always horrible, Lynaya had cancer now and would probably die within a year. And then there was Dean. The one boy she thought she'd see through the rest of her years with. He'd left too.

What killed her the most though was, now she had to see him with so many other girls. She couldn't even remember why they'd fought that night. What could possibly be worth losing him over? Maybe she just wasn't ever good enough for him. That killed her even more though. She wasn't good enough for anyone anymore. Even her old friends had all traded her in for the new and improved her, Cam Hughes.

She'd have to face the music eventually though. She needed to talk to Dean. She needed to talk about the real reason he'd stopped loving her. Whatever it might be.

So, she put on her big girl smile and walked into the garage. It was time to get down to business. If only she could find his sorry ass...

[dean]

It was a new day- and a hot one at that. Dean had basically jumped up without any blankets- he must have kicked them off at night. Going through the pile of clothes on his floor, Dean picked out a green shirt with some slogan on it and his lucky jeans. Slipping on some vans, he walked downstairs to see his sisters eating at the table. He mumbled a 'good morning' and grabbed a cereal bar. "Be good", he muttered with the bar between his teeth and ran out the door.

Why was Dean running to go somewhere? The stud was usually late for everything. But, today was his first day of work at the garage. It's not like he was excited, no. He just had the duty to provide for Lily and Jamie, and there was only one way to do that- earn money.

He reached the Garage in record time, but saw someone all too familiar standing on the pavement. He walked over slowly, but Dean knew that he'd have to talk to her sooner or later. "Bells, hey." He rubbed the back of his head nervously and looked into the Garage. Maybe if he was a little late, that would be okay. "What brings you here on this hot, summer day?"

They needed to talk today, whether Dean liked it or not.

[bella havstad]

Bella took a deep breath and remembered it was time to do this. She was mature enough to handle this situation. She couldn't hide out at home with sick Lynaya and cry about not having anyone anymore. No, it was time to take care of business. "Dean, hey. I'm just... I'm out for a wlak." She failed miserably at her false non-chalante arrival at teh garage. What was she supposed to say, "I love you, I miss you, why the Hell would you leave me you ass-hole?" Nah, Dean definitely would not go for that one. Hell, he didn't even want her around anymore. That made her even more uncomfortable.

"So, can we have like, a real conversation? Or is that against the 'breaking up rules'?" Bell asked casually as she started to regain the courage needed for the situation. She was sure Dean didn't feel the way she did. He was probably just annoyed at her being there, holding strong to the desire to be rid of her... Good lord, Bell's heart hurt all over again.

"I kind of just wanted to talk about, ya know, how it all ended. I guess we really didn't leave things on a very light note." Bella was failing miserably. Maybe she shoudl leave and try again later... Oh god, and then have to face him again later? Bella's life really was a mess. Everyone always did leave.

[dean]

Dean watched Bella's face change as she began to talk- and a pain in his chest arose. He hated seeing her like this, whether they were 'over' or not. Work could wait, for now, at least. No matter what people said or thought about Dean, he had a soft spot for women. He loved his mom, he loves his sisters, and he loves the people he chooses to let in. Bella was one of those people that he let in.

"I-I don't know what to say." Dean hadn't stuttered for a long time, but he kept on going. Then, something hit him. She had that look in her eyes, that look...and then he knew it. Bella loved him. He had never seem anyone with that look- not even Cam. You know, a usual guy would hug her and kiss her and say that he loved her too. But, hey. Dean isn't a usual guy.

He saw a can nearby and kicked it as hard as he could. "Damnit, Bella! I don't fucking care!" Dean turned away from her, fists balled up.

[bella havstad]

Bella felt so crushed and then his words hit her hard. That's when bell felt the anger ris ein her as well. He wasn't the only one entitled to anger! "You don't fucking care? You jsut don't care?" Her words held more sting to them than Bella had ever conjured up. "So, this is just, what you do then? You get into one fight and then it's all over? You don't tell someone you fucking LOVE them Dean! You don't tell them that you love them unless you mean it! I guess you never meant it though. Isn't that right?" Her voice shook. Bell felt tears stinging her eyes already but she couldn't stop now. She may never talk to Dean again at the rate he's plogging on...

"Well, here's some news for you. I did love you. I still love you. That obviously doesn't mean a God damn thing to you, but I've loved you sicne the day I met you Dean Somers! And you left me. I don't even remember why, but you fucking left me! You're jsut like every other god damn scum bag on this planet. People always leave Dean! Where do you think you're going to be ten years from now? Not married. No family? How will you ever be able to keep anyone when you can't even truly love them without hurting them worse than they came in?" Bella felt the tears surge.

"I shared the truth with you, the one thing I guard most in life. And you jsut throw everything away! And for what? For fucking Cam Hughes? Is she your new whore now? You don't go for having a real girlfriend, just some slut with nice clothes and a snobby attitude? There was a time when you cared about other things. I don't even know who you are anymore. All I know is that if someone gets to walk away angry and pout about it, it's going to be me. You don't deserve that anymore." She was starting to calm down, but that only meant the hurt was coming back even stronger.

"You know what the worst part is? I still love you Dean. How is it possible to hate someone and love them at the same time? I'll jsut leave you alone I guess, stop wasting your god damn time..." Bell's tears had quickly turned vulnerable. She wanted to run as far away from her life as she could.

[dean]

Dean watched Bella cry, just watched her. He was still soaking up all she had said during her rant. The poor boy was a little confused at this moment, but not only confusion ran through his veins. He was both angry and sympathetic. At some point, he had loved Bella. He just wished that he could let her know. But, Dean was Dean, he just...he always had to put up a tough front...

"This is just what I expected from you. You're always just a drama queen! Why can't you just for once quit thinking about yourself all the time?! All of us have hard lives...not just you! We're not all perfect, okay?"

Dean just couldn't stop his little rant. "Your mom died, and your grandma's gonna die too. So what? I lost four dads, one mom, and a brother. Compare that, please. And besides, I never even had a father! My slut of a mom just kept jumping around and I grew up raising kids!"

Finally, Dean just collasped. Tears fell from his eyes- one thing he didn't do often. "I never had a dad..."

[bella havstad]

Bella stared him down, "Forget it. Have a great life Dean Somers. I hope you and Cam are just perfect together." Bell's voice was so soft that she doubted he even heard her. She was so mad. How could she even explain the bigger problems to him. She never would. She was truly alone now. She wnated to scream out that she'd gotten an email from her dad teh night before. She wanted to tell him how terriffied she was. She wanted him to be there for her, to love her the way she'd always loved him. Part of her hated herself for all of it though. After all, he'd made a point which made Bell want to sink and die. She was being selfish.

She almsot felt the right to be though. How was she supposed to feel? When you're all alone in life, how can you look out for everyone else? You just need to survive. Bell was having so much toruble surviving. "Bye Dean. Maybe I'll see you come next year. Maybe not." She wanted to run. She didn't know if he'd ever respond.

[dean]

Dean just kept crying. By now, his whole status as tough guy was crushed. He was standing her talking to his ex, bawlling his eyes out, for dear god! The stubble-enfused senior wiped his eyes and looked at Bella. Her words stung him, so bad. Sure, he loved Cam, but had he loved Bella? He must have loved her at some point to feel like this. "Bells...please...just stay?" He nodded to himself, still tearing up a bit. Work had completely left his mind at this point and he didn't give a damn if he was late. By the looks of this, he needed Bella. And, god dammit, if Dean Somers needed something, he'd get it.

Dean grabbed Bella's hands, and pulled her into a hug. Right now, they both needed one, he figured. Running his fingers through her hair lightly, he spoke softly into her ear. "I'm sorry, Bella. It's just...hard. I know you don't get what I'm saying, but if you just let me explain- I know you'll understand." He sniffed once more and blinked, letting one last tear fall.

Dean Somers was torn in two.

[bella havstad]

Bella felt his embrace and it hurt her just as much as him. How could she ever let go? Would she? She had to think of him though. She knew she'd have to. If Dean needed to be with Cam, he would. Bella never wanted to hurt him again. She felt a wave of guilt wash ove rher as her tears still stung her eyes. She was guilting him into this entire thing. What kind of monster had Bella Havstad turned herself into? It was time to let go. She had to, for him.

"I.... I'm so sorry. I need... I need to elt you go. I'm so sorry for everything." She felt the words slip out without even processing them. The desire to run ebbed even more into her system. She had to let him go. If that's what he needed, Bell had to let him go. She knew it was jsut the way things were.

"Please, don't explain. You're free Dean. Don't let me ever hold you back. I just want you to be happy. Please, be happy. If being with Cam makes you happy, do it." Bell choked on her own words as they left her lips. She hated letting go but knew it was the right thing. "Just, please, if it doesn't hurt you, can you not shut me out? Can't we at least try to be friends? Is that even possible?" Bell asked. Her tears were unstoppable and all she wanted was to flee the scene. She needed out of her own life. Maybe hse needed to hop a train to anywhere she'd never see her father or Dean or Cam or anyone ever again... Never again? Those were hard words to comprehend for Bell. She couldn't let that pain wash over her too.